Well, I guess I do, but only if it’s plugged, a bird has landed on it or after my recurring dream where it’s stolen. But girls must really think about noses. I once overheard a group of girls talking, and one said to her friend, “You have a nose just like Hilary Duff!”

Now it has hit me: I could have a NOSE LIKE THE STARS, too! My friends have never mentioned it, though, but I think that’s because they’re guys. You see, only girls would notice somebody’s nose in such detail.

Of course, that’s just one strange thing I’ve noticed whenever groups of girls are together. There’s more!

Loud
Forget rock concerts, space shuttle liftoffs or a room full of annoyed geese. Nothing in the world is louder than a room full of girls. They have their own language—the high-pitched scream. Once at a concert the girls screamed so loudly my eyebrows blew onto the person next to me. Within an hour most of the guys were deaf. Our only means of communicating was through written notes or primitive tribal-like gestures. (For some guys, this is normal.)

Pain
I’ve played football, wrestled, hiked 14,000-foot mountains, and I’ve never suffered the pain I felt since a group of girls did my hair at a youth event. I wasn’t the only guy who didn’t escape. We could only exchange sympathetic glances.

The girls twisted my hair and put little rubber bands in it (like, 4,000 of them). Now for girls, this may be normal. But as a guy, this was a whole new kind of pain—which I relived later when the rubber bands were taken out. I’ll try to sum it up: Imagine doing a headstand onto a hill of fire ants, then falling head-first onto a cactus—filled with bees. I wore a cereal bowl over my head for a week to protect what was left of my hair.

Sabotage
Another thing I learned is it’s not safe for a guy to fall asleep around a group of youth group girls. This is what happens. Guaranteed, he’ll wake up with lipstick, shaving cream on his head, hearts or unicorns drawn on his face, an Afro or an angry donkey tied to his arm.

Flip Out
Take 25 pounds of sugar. Mix in three gallons of soda, then drink—followed by a slab of chocolate, cup of coffee and a firecracker. You still won’t come close to the hyper energy released by a large group of girls. I’ve been on youth trips where girls yelled, ran, jumped, flipped or did cartwheels—and that was just getting on the bus. Some spoke at 100 miles per hour and left me speechless. Here’s a sample:

Girl (runs up to me): Oh my goodness! We were at the—and my friend she—I couldn’t believe it!

(getting even faster)

NowwearegoingtogetsomefriesIamsohungryhaveyouhadthefriesheretheyareawesomeyouhavetotrysomeokIgottagonowseeyalaterHeydon’tfallasleeporwe’regoingtotieyourarmtoanangrydonkey!

That conversation was over in three seconds.

So if any guys happen to read this, consider it a warning: guard your hair and your ears this summer and DO NOT fall asleep until September—unless you disguise yourself as a log and lie in the forest. Oh, and check your nose—it could be famous.

And girls, God designed you just the way you are, and even when our hair is being pulled out by miniature rubber bands, we guys wouldn’t have it any other way.

PS. I think I have elbows like Orlando Bloom!