We celebrate Fourth of July with three words that start with the letter F: flags, fireworks and food. (It used to be five words, but floss and forklifts got voted off for not being as fun.)

Traditional food includes a barbeque. Historians believe guys invented the barbeque.

Pete: I’ve got an idea. Let’s take these plates of meat and beans—and go outside!

Daniel: We can even cook the meat outside!

George: Better yet, let us combine the meat and beans together!

Pete: Don’t tell the girls—or they’ll bring coleslaw or fruit!

Guys made the first fireworks, too, but early ones were primitive.

Loc: Wonder what happen when Loc throws fire on pile of black powder?

Thor: Throw fire and see!

[AMAZINGLY LOUD BOOM]

Loc: Loc missing nose now.

Thor: Thor’s knees on fire—and hair gone.

Loc: Let’s do it again!

These early experiments proved two things: Knees are flammable, and guys like things that explode. Most won’t be excited if you yell, “I have the prettiest sparklers!” But you’ll get their attention with, “My dad has these firecrackers that can launch a moose over the state line!”

Birthday Blunders
Besides America’s birthday, my wife, Sally’s, birthday is also in July. It’s tough sometimes to figure out how to celebrate, because guys and girls deal with birthdays very differently.

When I was a kid, the girls’ birthdays were about big parties with pink anything hung up. In high school they threw giant slumber parties with all their friends and tons of activities. And guys? We had slumber parties, too. We sort of hung out and had cake, but it was dark outside. And we had fireworks in the form of body noises coming from sleeping bags.

The girls gave out colorful party invitations. Trust me, if a guy gives out invitations, his mom made him do it. And gifts? Forget wrapping paper and bows—it’s hard enough for a guy to figure out what to give another guy. When I was a kid my family was poor, so I had to be creative.

Me: Uh, happy birthday, Sean.

Sean: You’re giving me a pile of rocks?

Me: These are actually miniature asteroids. They landed from space—a whole planet actually ’sploded!

Eventually, I apologized to Sean.

Many guys just take a low-key approach to birthdays. Sometimes maybe a little too low.

Hillary: So how does it feel to be a year older?

Mark: I’m what?!

This can cause problems when a guy has a girlfriend, when three months from her birthday, a girl is already looking at him with that “what-are-you-going-to-do-for-me-on-my-birthday” look.

Well, I’m happy to say I already have Sally’s birthday present. PLUS I’m loaded with food and fireworks for the Fourth of July picnic. I put the floss back.