Today I had chicken for lunch, but I kept thinking about tacos.

Anyway, I’ve got a problem—one way bigger than the time I accidentally ate that box of crayons or last year when I was trapped in the parrot exhibit at the zoo.

I was going to write about dating for my column in Brio & Beyond. (Or maybe the history of candy corn. Those three stripes are amazing.) But here’s the thing: Does anyone know what dating really is?

Some people have never dated. Some go out only in groups. And when is a couple “dating”? After one date? Three? I haven’t been this confused since I dreamed I was a giant pie.

Then there’s “just friends,” which really means, “We like each other, but we won’t admit it.”

I remember how Sally and I were “just friends” for 700 months. It was stressful. My eyebrows fell out, and I spent that week imitating a duck. Glad that’s over.

And what about “friendlationships”? That’s a niche between dating and friends. Usually everyone is confused at this point. Then what? Maybe you finally graduate to boyfriend/girlfriend, but how do you know? Remember the first time I introduced Sally as my girlfriend? She looked like she had just seen a mummy. She wasn’t ready.

Define It
OK, so now a couple is “dating,” or maybe they call it “courting,” or they’re still “just friends.” Eventually it’s time for one of the most feared acronyms in the world: DTR (It’s almost as bad as the phrase, “We need to talk.”)

Define The Relationship? How can you define what you can’t explain?

Diary, I’ll never forget when I initiated a DTR with Sally. That shining moment when I suggested we could move forward as a couple—and she suggested we stay “just friends.” Yeah, that was awesome. I felt like one giant big toe.

I tried to stay cool after she said that, but it was a battle.

Me (to Sally): I understand . . . just friends. Um, can I get you more soda?

Me (to myself): Hey, I’ve got an idea. Starting tomorrow, why don’t you live by yourself on a small hidden island? You’d get to eat rocks!

Love Lists
Now Diary, do you see why this is such a problem? I mean, I haven’t even touched on the 900 million steps to building a relationship. And what about how guys and girls look at love and romance? These things are important to a lot of girls:

A. nice dinner

B. movie (that includes at least one of the following: ill puppy, breakup, scene with a fireplace)

C. flowers, poem, clay pot you made just for her

D. long, heartfelt discussion

Hmmm . . . what would a guy’s list look like?

A. food—maybe tacos! I should have had those for lunch.

B. movie (that includes at least one of the following: an exploding delivery truck, guy who accidentally drinks soap or a scene with a half-wolf-half-gladiator creature)

C. Silence is fine.

D. Watch sports highlights.

No, that doesn’t work. There are lots of romantic guys and girls who don’t like clay pots.

Forget it, Diary; I’m not writing about dating. If I did, I’d say three things—talk to your mom or dad, talk to your youth pastor and talk to God . . . a lot. Dating to find your future spouse is too important and way too complicated—just like finding the exit at that parrot exhibit.