All beans

Amoebas

The letter M

Yarn

Speaking of yarn, it’s EVERYWHERE this month, because craft fairs spring up during the holidays. To a guy, yarn is the gateway to Napville. Nothing in a guy’s world is made of it. (Think yarn guitar, yarn football, Yarn Warrior video game. )

Yet craft fairs are a Yarn-o-Rama! They’re bursting with it. In fact, craft fairs are loaded with materials most guys don’t even know exist—and might even fear. (I get mysteriously nervous around Velcro.)

My wife, Sally, and I went to a craft fair recently, and it was like I stumbled into a new world. I mean, I used a glue gun for the first time last week and was amazed:

Thought #1: Wow! The glue stick goes in a solid and comes out a liquid!

Thought #2: I wonder if I can cram cheese into this? I’d be the Snack King!

We passed hundreds of tables of millions of crafts made of billions of snaps, buttons, fabrics, fried eggs, moustaches. . . . Then it hit me: Girls have secret craft powers! They can find ANYTHING and make something out of it—just like that MacGyver guy! A crumpled wrapper, lint, goat hooves and a jar of gravy somehow become a wreath. A noodle and motor oil become a Christmas ornament. How do they do it?!

Really, some crafts are clever and, I’ll bravely admit, cute even, although I think I learned a shortcut to cuteness—just glue googly eyes to something. Seriously, take a rock. Add googly eyes. Now it’s a cute craft! It works with anything: pinecones, cotton balls, even bratwurst.

Some guys can handle “cute” stuff. But there’s this line where cute becomes “too cute,” and strange things happen inside of a guy such as dizziness, stomach problems or the desire to grow mangos. Here’s an example:

Cute: Stuffed puppy (bow around neck may cross the line)

Too Cute: Fluffy bear covered in flowers, wearing an apron with geese on it, holding hearts and sunflowers. (Bring on the mangos!)

One thing I REALLY liked about the craft fair is that food = craft. Cookies, fudge, candy—now that’s a craft! Except it seems like craft fairs have some small print in the rulebook that says, “All foods must contain nuts.” Brownies with nuts. Caramels with nuts. Nut logs rolled in nuts, topped with ground nuts, packed in a bag made of pressed nuts. If you don’t like nuts, you’re stuck eating a handful of homemade jam (probably nut- flavored).

This makes it even harder for guys to go to craft fairs. Maybe there could be special ones such as “Hot Dog Fest,” “Stuff Made Out of Engine Parts Fair” or the “Homemade Fireworks Fiesta” with a sign posted outside: NO NUTS OR FLUFFY BEARS ALLOWED.

But maybe craft fairs just need a hipper image (see list above). There could be some cool new reality TV show like “Craft Island” where contestants are surrounded only by sand, a harmonica, a strip of denim and a cup of bacon bits. Then, somehow, one of them makes her own homemade yarn, builds a 40-foot yacht out of it and escapes! I’ll start working on the script today—right after I finish sticking this cheese into Sally’s glue gun.