Smile. Smile again. Smile more.
This has been my routine for two weeks. I smile everywhere—
driving, frying eggs, slipping and falling, racing pandas at the
zoo, even sleeping. Why? Because I’m practicing for Christmas,
when 4,000 cameras flash every second.
For girls, this isn’t a big deal. You see, girls have ASR—
Automatic Smile Response. They have a mysterious way of
knowing when a camera is within 12 miles and can immediately
stop whatever they’re doing, flash a smile good enough to win
“Miss Bicuspid 2007” and start their own toothpaste company,
then pick up where they left off.
ASR works best when groups of girls are together. One girl’s ASR
will go off, which sets off all of her friends’. In an instant, they
can go from deep discussion to a pose worthy of a clothing store
wall.
Now guys? Some are blessed by God’s grace to have great
smiles, but many of us
a. feel awkward in front of
cameras.
b. don’t smile in time and are
caught looking like we just received an electric shock, stepped
on a lobster or drank a glass of pork nog.
c. try to smile, but it looks
more like the cover of a sad children’s book: Billy, the Boy
Whose Mouth Was Always Crooked.
This makes picture-taking stressful for guys. Then, if a guy is
opening a Christmas gift around a girl, it adds more yuletide
anxiety. You see, when a guy gives a girl a present, he . . . well,
gives it to her. But when a girl gives something to a guy, the first
thing she’ll do is grab a camera.
But that’s not all. Gift-giving leads to curious changes in some
girls. They’ll hand over the gift then begin THE STARE—
analyzing expressions and the movement of every facial muscle,
studying and interpreting his reactions at each tear of the paper
and raising the camera for the exact moment he pulls the gift
out of the box.
Thoughts race together:
Girl: I hope he likes
itMaybe I should have bought something elseWell he can always
return itNo I don’t want him to return itOh I should have bought
something else—no wait, I think his eyebrow moved—he must
love itIs the wrapping paper OK?I bet he doesn’t like itWhy didn’t
I use that other bow?I need to take a picture!
Meanwhile, in a guy’s mind:
Guy: I wonder what’s
in this box?
(20 seconds later) Uh oh, here comes a picture. I’ll
probably look like that Billy kid with the crooked mouth.
Gift opening can cause even more problems because many guys
aren’t expressive. Some girls scream, jump up and down, and
hug everyone after finding a pen on the ground. But not all guys
show that much emotion:
Game Show Announcer:
You’ve just won your own island, a robot-
controlled house with a two story LCD TV and a chocolate river
covered in rafts of pizzas—plus, your feet now have
superpowers!
Guy: (slight chuckle)
Wow.
So a girl can be disappointed if a guy doesn’t react to her gift,
but some of us can’t help it—just as we can’t help our smiles. Of
course, my smile will be ready, thanks to my Super-Nitro-
Olympic training routine. I’m ready for the pictures, the family,
the memories and the birthday of my Savior. Now, that’s a
reason to smile.
