I break the law every day. Most of my friends break the law, too. I’m talking about the fashion law—an unwritten clothing code of do’s and don’ts based on the season. Many girls know the code. I learn morsels only when I help my wife, Sally, pick something to wear. Here are a few of her reactions:
“I can’t wear my brown boots. It’s June.”
“Capris? This time of year?”
“You’re not supposed to wear white after Labor Day.”
My responses back include: Huh? Really? Seriously? Or it leads to one of my patented facial expressions such as “The Bloated Monkey,” “Somebody Burned Eggs,” or “Teeth r’ Gone.”
To many girls, April means spring fashion, but most guys don’t have “wear-only-this-season” clothes. My closet has shirts and pants—and an astronaut costume. And guys have only a few rules:
1. Avoid looking like Clown Boy.
2. Pants don’t go on head.
3. No shirt? Cover self in chihuahuas.
Because of this, most guys won’t notice if you wore that same shirt last week or put on black shoes with a brown belt.
Not Just Clothes
Besides fashion details, guys rarely notice a lot of stuff about girls—for example, hair.
Bangs causing problems? Split ends? Most guys won’t catch hair issues unless your hair's suddenly purple or you replaced your styling gel with boiled hog fat. Same with haircuts. In fact, one of the scariest questions you can ask a guy is, “How do you like my haircut?” His first thought will be, You got a haircut?
Makeup gets missed, too. Some girls spot makeup changes on anyone within 200 miles, but guys won’t have a clue. Recently Sally tried a new mascara and asked me, “Do my eyes look different than yesterday?” I reverted to “The Bloated Monkey.”
Miscommunication
Guys also don’t understand secret girl communication styles, so some girls try dropping hints. A question such as “What are you doing this weekend” may actually mean “I’m free this weekend,” or “I’m fine “ could mean “I’m so full of tears I’m going to cry out of my feet.”
Then there are nonverbal signs. Sally has developed sophisticated mime routines for times we can’t verbally talk. I either stare totally confused or miss the message.
Sally: (moving and flapping her hands and arms, while making multiple facial expressions—hoping to convey, “Let’s give your mom her birthday card.”)
Me (trying to decode): Oh no! The earth is being attacked by a giant cucumber? No wait—you want me to fill the basement . . . with cats?
When I try to mime something back, it doesn’t work either. I end up looking like a contestant on “Dance Like You’re Being Swarmed by Bees!”
There’s more that many guys rarely notice: gift-wrapping, anything with “potpourri,” slow songs. So relax! You may be worried that a guy will notice something about you, and he probably won’t. And if you think guys are oblivious, maybe this will help you extend a little grace; we’re just different. Remember, there are lots of things in a guy’s world that girls don’t notice. And some we wish they didn’t, like when we break the fashion laws.
