Hollywood Step No. 1: Find the right person.
The key to love is finding that one special person who was made just for you. He’s out there. You just have to find him. Be on the lookout when you’re at the mall or Starbucks. Dress, look and act in a way that will demand his attention. The moment will come. You just have to keep looking.

Hollywood Step No. 2: Fall in love.
When you find the right person, something will click, and you’ll just know. Maybe it’s something about the way he walks or talks. Maybe it’s a brief look or gesture. Maybe he’s so handsome you just feel this undeniable attraction. You may not even know his name, but you’ll know that you’re in love. You know it because emotions this strong, this sudden and this overwhelming must be the real thing. The only choice seems to be to move on to the next step.

Hollywood Step No. 3: Fix your hopes and dreams on this person for your future fulfillment.
In the movies, the person with whom you “fall in love” will become the object of your life, your future, your dreams and your satisfaction. You have suddenly realized that this person and this person alone will make you complete. Life will have meaning as it never has before—except for all the other times you’ve been in love.

Hollywood also provides a convenient “Plan B” for when we “drift apart,” or “it’s just not the same anymore.” We’re led to believe that falling out of love is just as natural and unexpected as falling in love. We either chose the wrong person, or we were right for each other for a season, but that season has now passed.

And when that happens, it’s time for step four.

Hollywood Step No. 4: If failure occurs, repeat steps 1, 2 and 3.
In the Hollywood version, step three (fixing your hopes and dreams on someone for your future fulfillment) usually leads to failure. Big surprise. Can you imagine how smothering it would be under the pressure to be someone’s absolute everything? Whoa.

So when the relationship starts to break down, Hollywood says to go back to the beginning and start over. This time maybe it’ll work. But here’s the premise behind it all: the key to love is finding the right person. If your current relationship isn’t working out so great for you, if for some reason this person doesn’t fulfill all your dreams and desires, then you must have the wrong person.

Turn 180
The Hollywood way is how most people do relationships—and it’s so messed up, isn’t it?

People are walking around looking like crash survivors, dazed and confused, in shock because of what just happened. “How did something so great turn so ugly?” they ask themselves. And it hurts. It hurts bad.

Is there a better way? We’ve got to be able to relate to the opposite sex in a way that isn’t so brutal. We’ve got to find a way to do relationships that doesn’t leave so many casualties.

The Bible talks about two commands that are at the core of loving people God’s way:

Be imitators of God, as beloved children; and walk in love, just as Christ also loved you and gave himself up for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God as a fragrant aroma. Ephesians 5:1–2 NASB

Notice the underlines? Imitating God and walking in love are two core ways to live out God’s way to do relationships.

So how do you do that? Let’s walk through what that looks like. We think you’ll see how crucial it is that you live those out before you’re even ready to bring another person into the picture.

God’s 180 Step No. 1: Instead of looking for the right person, become the right person.
God tells us that instead of constantly looking for the right person, we should become the right person. Instead of looking for love, God tells us, we’re to realize that love has already found us!

God loves us as no one else can. The best way for us to demonstrate that we get that is to learn to imitate Him as closely as possible in the way we treat others. What does that look like? Ephesians 4:32 tells us: “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”

Imitating God means that in relationships we’re to be kind, tenderhearted, empathetic, discerning, willing to make allowance for people’s mistakes and consistently forgiving. It means we want good for others. We’re gentle toward them even when our needs don’t get met or when we’re angry.

As a side benefit (but not the goal), by becoming more like Christ, you’re going to attract someone with the same passion. Isn’t that the kind of person you really want to find? If it is, then become that kind of person first. That’s something you can work on now, whether you’re in a relationship or not.

God’s 180 Step No. 2: Instead of falling in love, walk in love.
Walking in love means that we love others in exactly the same way that Christ loved us. It means giving the other person what he or she needs the most when it’s least deserved, not necessarily giving what is wanted the most. That’s exactly how God has treated you. That’s what genuine love is.

When you walk in love, the relationship isn’t all about you. It’s about how you can serve the other person. When you love this way, you’re not easily angered. You don’t blow up. You don’t pout. It’s the kind of love that’s not going anywhere, no matter what.

Love is a sacrificial, other-centered action that provides what’s best for the other person. It means saying no to sex outside God’s boundaries because that kind of physical connection has nothing to do with the two of you helping each other and everything to do with the two of you using each other.

Don’t fall in love, God tells us. Walk in love. Genuine love isn’t a passive, quivering mass of good feelings. Genuine love is a deliberate, intentional, honest and even painful giving up of self-preservation for another person’s good.

God’s 180 Step No. 3: Instead of fixing your hopes and dreams on another person, fix your hope on God and seek to please Him through this relationship.
In the Hollywood wedding ceremony, the couple stands face to face before their gathered friends. These ceremonies are often filmed on sets that look like places of worship even though God’s not even given a small walk-on role in the ceremony.

The 180 to that is a wedding where God takes the lead. He’s the major star of the event, outshining even the bride. The couple acknowledge His place, and they expect Him to help them keep the promises they make. But their view of one another could be expressed this way: “You are not the most important person in my life; Christ is. And because Christ is the most important person in my life, I’m going to treat you even better than I could treat you if you were the most important person in my life. Christ will help me love you more than I could ever love you in my own strength alone.”

God’s 180 Step No. 4: If failure occurs, repeat steps 1, 2 and 3.
The fourth step for God’s 180 way is the same as Hollywood’s—it just plays out differently. Both Hollywood and God’s 180 recognize an inevitable feature of human relationships: failure. When it comes to failure in a relationship, the real question isn’t if but when. When it happens, you go back to the beginning. You walk through the steps: imitate God, walk in love, fix your hope on God and seek to please Him in every one of your relationships.

Sounds good, you might be thinking, but I’m not planning on getting married for a while—a long while. I’ll keep that stuff in mind, but what am I supposed to do until then?

That’s your call. We’re not saying relationships are bad. We’re not telling you to kiss dating goodbye. We’re not saying courting is the only solution. We’re not even saying dating is that great either. What we’re saying is that this is God’s heart. Will you turn 180?

Adapted from Sex 180 by Chip Ingram and Tim Walker. Published by Baker Books, a division of Baker Publishing Group. Copyright 2005. Used with permission.

There’s More to It than “Just Wait”
Sex 180: The Next Revolution
by Chip Ingram and Tim Walker
Item code: P00691B

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