Faster than a speeding bratwurst!

More powerful than a riding mower!

Able to leap over a pile of stadium nachos in a single bound!

It’s . . . your dad?

That’s right—your dad has special powers! In fact, he’s a walking superhero, minus a name like “Gigantagor,” “Captain Stretchy” or “Wonder Thumb.”

A team of extra-smart scientists proved this point. They placed 1,000 dads in a laboratory full of tools, footballs, remote controls, things to throw at each other, country music—and one shrimp salad. They then compiled a list of superpowers given ONLY to guys once they become dads.

1. Randomator: This power enables your dad to instantly blurt out phrases that make sense only to him.

“It’s hotter than a pickle in a tornado!”

“Slow down—you’re driving like a square-dancing horse in a bakery!”

2. Insta-Embarrassor: All dads have an amazing ability to embarrass their children. It can be intentional (dancing and trying to rap while you’re shopping or covering his entire head in shaving cream—then walking into your slumber party) or accidental (wearing dress shoes with shorts, letting out a 1,000-decibel burp in public or yelling, “Don’t eat anything that hurts your stomach—you know how gassy you get” as your date arrives).

3. Intimidizor: Dads use this power whenever a guy gets within 35 miles of you. Sometimes it’s subtle—a slow motion ninja move, a glare that could melt dirt or a mysterious wolf-creature vibe. Or it’s full power:

Dad (to guy): You like movies like Gladiator and Rambo? Well, that’s pretty much me. I’m so past black belt—I’m like black pants, black shoes and three black hats. I crush stuff just using my nose.

4. Gut Shield: This is used at the all-you-can-eat buffet. Ever wondered, “How did he eat that?” “Why did he eat that?” or “Is that even food?” Well, your dad has a Gut Shield. It also gives him power to eat leftover pizza older than The Declaration of Independence.

5. Robo-Drive: Used during road trips, this allows your dad to drive 18 hours straight. Forget bathroom breaks, attractions like “The World’s Largest Moccasin” or “The Potato Castle,” dead-ends or medical emergencies; your dad will not stop the car.

6. Beat Blaster: This one is triple-strength. Dads can play music you don’t like 1) at a volume loud enough to bend a submarine, which leads to 2) the Insta-Embarrassor and 3) Dad (shouting over music): This is great! You like bongos, right? And listen after the flute and harmonica solo—cuz the guitar rocks! (Dad begins to air-guitar—with car windows open—at a red light.)

Impressed? Well there’s more, including powers like prayer, wise advice and a helping hand. Sure, some days you’ll think your dad is plain weird, but try to cherish every loud, silly moment. Some of the smallest things become the biggest memories. I know—my dad died unexpectedly last year. And I smile thinking about his way-too-loud music, dancing that would scare Bigfoot and outfits that belonged in the National Museum of Things That Don’t Go Together.