DO NOT bring a giant hog to a movie.

I guess I went a little too far during Be Kind to Animals Week, but my list of ways to celebrate was down to “take a farm animal to a movie,” “write a song about ferrets” or “hug the neighbor’s cat.”

I learned something about movie manners after being kicked out of the theater; hogs sip their soda way too loudly. On the positive, it seemed as though the hog liked Charlotte’s Web.

With new summer movies releasing every eight seconds, you’re probably going to one right now. To spare you the embarrassment I felt, here’s a helpful guide to movie manners.

Costumes
Wearing a costume that ties into a movie’s theme can be fun, but be respectful of others. Bad costume ideas include a porcupine, the entire state of Georgia, a tower of garbage, or anything that shoots lasers, catches on fire or makes pirate sounds.

Trash
I was trapped overnight in a theater because I couldn’t move my feet. You can accessorize any outfit with a 32-gallon lawn-and-leaf bag, then toss your trash while you eat! People, let’s reduce the goo.

While Seated
Don’t kick the seat in front of you or rest your shoes on a person’s head.

Turn your phone off. I know your BFF needs u ASAP. Tell her BBN.

Food
Try not to chomp, crunch and chew loudly. Also avoid loud exclamations like, “This popcorn makes me feel like I’m the Mayor of Butterville!”

Sneaking in food is discouraged—especially if it’s particularly disruptive, like a whole turkey or stack of grilled fish.

How about candy? There’s always that one person who takes 45 minutes to unwrap candy. Forty-five minutes of “crinkle, crinkle, crinkle.” Unwrap everything before the movie and eliminate noise. As a bonus, you get new exciting flavors such as “Peanutmelon” as all of your candy globs together in your pocket!

During the Movie
Try not to be any one of these people:

The Critic (during movie): No way! That’s so fake! Cars can’t do that! There’s no way a penguin could beat up a horse!

The Questioner: What just happened? Why is he there? Does she like that guy? Now who is that?

The Narrator (yelling): He barely got away! That spaceship is big! They’re eating tacos!

Misc. Reminders
This is a bad idea: “I miss band. I’ll bring my tuba to the movie and play along to the soundtrack!”

Here’s another one: “I can practice for my missions trip and translate all of the dialogue into Swahili!”

One more: “This part is boring—time for the burping contest!”

Please also avoid the following: bringing a TV so you don’t miss your favorite show, starting a tickling contest, panhandling for malted milk balls, flossing.

I hope this helps you enjoy the summer movies, plus avoid awkwardness, humiliation and the noise a hog makes drinking soda. I knew I should have written the ferret song instead!