So I did what almost any 18-year-old would do—I spent all my time with Caleb, neglecting my friends and anything and anyone else that got between us. I told him I loved him, let him know every detail about me and started planning for the future. I justified that all of this was OK. I knew I was in love, and I wasn’t having sex, so it wasn’t like I was doing anything wrong.

Getting Over Him
I thought my life ended the summer night he broke up with me. It had been only six months, but he‘d become everything to me, and he was at the very center of who I was. I went through the first semester of college completely depressed, wanting only to soak in self-pity. It didn’t help that when I saw him with his new girlfriend, my heart broke even more. The next semester I left the state to attend another college just so I could try to move on with my life. And move on I did—succeeding in college, making friends and eventually marrying.

Ten years later, my high school reunion came up. I started thinking about how exciting it’d be to see old friends and to catch up on their lives. Of course, I also thought about how Caleb would be there. But no biggie, I told myself. I’ve gone to college, married a wonderful man, and I definitely wouldn’t trade my life now for what I had back then. Sure, I’d thought of Caleb over the years and was often troubled by how the memories of him could still trigger the emotions I’d felt back then. But it’d been 10 years. That was such a long time to get over it.

The reunion came, and after my husband and I arrived, I began chatting with old classmates, noting how they’d grown older but how many of them seemed the same. Soon Caleb and his wife arrived as well. I smiled and tried to pretend that he was like any other person from my class, but it still felt uncomfortable. It was obvious it was uncomfortable for him, too. That was 10 years ago, I told myself. He was just a boyfriend for six minor months of your teenage life! You have a better life now. It’s no big deal. On and on I told myself the logical thoughts that were in reality completely true but didn’t resonate with what I was feeling.

It’s a Big Deal
I sat down at a table and looked around the room, feeling a mix of emotions. High school was great and had been so much fun, but all I wanted now was my heart back, because Caleb didn’t care about it. All I wanted were the memories of him gone, because the only memories that mattered to me now were those of my friends and family.

But no matter how hard I wished away the pain and feelings connected to the relationship, they stayed ingrained in my mind and heart. If only I could be 18 again, I thought. I wouldn’t have justified that having a serious boyfriend was OK as long as we weren’t having sex. I wouldn’t have given pieces of my heart away that even time couldn’t give me back. I wouldn’t have taken pieces of him that I can’t get rid of because they’re tied to memories, and memories are tied to emotions.

It didn’t seem like that big of a deal at the time, and I felt so in love that it didn’t really matter to me. But here it was, 10 years later, and it did matter. But all I could do was wish that it didn’t.

Somehow I went on to enjoy the rest of the reunion, and at the end of the night, I thanked God for my life. I was so happy, but it was evident that many people from my high school class weren’t. In thanking God, I also asked Him to help me remember every day that I’m His special daughter. I couldn’t change the past or even forget it completely, but I could learn from my mistakes and protect my future through the guarding of my heart.

A Candid Look at Breaking Up, Making Up, and Dating Well
Define the Relationship
by Jeramy & Jerusha Clark
Item code: BH042

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