Having trouble with your mom? Most of us at some point go through problem times with our moms. God allows them, because working through problems teaches us important life skills.
On the flip side, the problems we don’t work through can haunt us.
“If you grow up in a relationship with a mother you could never talk to, you’ll tend to gravitate toward men you have trouble talking to or the opposite extreme, men who are over involved and have no boundaries,” says Dr. Linda Mintle, a Christian psychologist.
Your relationship with your mom affects every relationship you’ll ever have.
Why It’s So Hard to Talk to Mom
Puberty makes your relationship with your mom harder, because hormones start getting in the way. You’re going through a lot of bodily changes and menstruation, and your mother’s going through menstruation and perimenopause (the years near menopause when our hormone levels change erratically), so her hormones are fluctuating as much as yours.
“You’re all hormonal at the same time,” Dr. Mintle says. When our hormones go crazy, we lose our temper when we don’t really mean to.
Most adolescents also want to pull away from their parents, and that’s normal. “The trick is you have to stay connected to your mom,” Dr. Mintle says.
Dr. Mintle explains that being an adolescent is like driving down a bridge over water and having no guardrails. “When you have your mom involved in your life, at least there are guardrails on the bridge so you don’t fall off.”
On the other hand, your mom isn’t supposed to be trying to drive the car. The following tips may help you navigate these years with your mom.
1. Get Mom to listen.
When you feel like your mom’s taking over your life, help her to listen.
“Try to stay as calm as possible with your mom and keep the communication going,” Dr. Mintle says. “When she doesn’t understand you, don’t give up trying to explain yourself. Try to say it another way.”
Use sentences that start with, “I feel” and “How about considering?” It allows your mom to hear what you’re saying without worrying about what might happen to you.
2. Work through conflict.
If your mom tries to control you, it’s because she’s afraid for you. She worries about all of the bad things that can happen, and she might seem judgmental. Try to see her side, and then you can tell her something like, “Mom, I feel like you’re afraid that something bad will happen. Will you trust me to call you if I need help?”
Dr. Mintle suggests, “If your mom makes you feel bad because of something she says, you really need to tell her rather than stuffing it inside and feeling like you can’t communicate with her.”
3. Set a goal for your relationship.
“I think a good goal is to try to think of your mom as you would one of your friends and give her that kind of respect, because you wouldn’t just go off on your best friend,” Dr. Mintle says. It’s hard to work through problems with your mom, but “if you can deal with conflict with your mom,” she says, “you pretty much can do this with anybody when you get out of the house.”
Your relationships with your friends (and boyfriends!) will be easier throughout your entire life if you learn how to communicate with your mom now.
4. Show your mom you care.
To improve your relationship with your mom, offer to spend time with her. If you think she’s too busy to hang out, help your mom when you get home from school. Perhaps you can clean up the dirty dishes in the sink or take out the garbage. You don’t have to do much. A five-minute cleaning task will go a LONG way! When your mom gets home from work, tell her that you want to have a better relationship and build a friendship. Suggest a few things you’d like to do and ask your mom if she has any ideas.
Be willing to put a little work into your relationship with your mom. She really wants to be close to you. Christian counselor Lynette Hoy says, “I do believe that [mothers and daughters] have great potential for being friends.”
Remember, what you put in is what you’ll get out.
Ways to Build a Friendship With Your Mom
• Go on the Internet and listen to iTunes.
• Plan a shopping trip.
• Go to the movies.
• Invite your mom into your room for a talk.
• Invite your mom on an outing.
• Have a picnic in the park.
• Share a hobby.
• Take a class together.
• Make a scrapbook.
• Ask your mom to help you study for a test.
• Ask for advice about something that’s not sensitive.
• Exercise at an athletic club.
• Go to a museum.
• Volunteer at a charity.
