Though some of you may still be trying to untangle yourselves from last month’s gymnastics exercises, we’re moving on to our next sport: Baseball.
As you know, baseball is a game where a hard ball (or a soft ball that feels hard) is hurled toward you at speeds of up to 100 mph. But don’t worry. You’ll be wearing a little plastic cap on your head for protection. Besides, even if you do get hit, they reward you by letting you walk to first base. (Or you get to be carried there, depending on your level of consciousness.)
If the pitch doesn’t hit you, you have several choices of what to do with the ball before it crosses home plate. You can let the ball fly past you, receiving a free eyebrow trimming in the process, or you can swing at it. If you swing at it, you’ll either hit it (in which case you drop your bat and run as fast as you can to first base), or you’ll miss it (in which case you drop your bat and run as fast as you can to first base until you realize you’ve missed it and now look like an idiot standing on first base).
If the latter happens, you’ll have to return to the batter’s box and try again. Only now, you’ll have a strike against you. A batter is only allowed three strikes. Strikes in bowling are good things. Make three of them in a row, and it’s called a turkey. Strikes in baseball are bad things. Make three in a row, and you could be called a turkey.
There are several ways to hit a baseball. First, there’s the bunt—when a player hits the ball but it barely makes it out of the batter’s box. Whether this was her intention or not, many players will make it appear that was what they had in mind. It’s sort of like a beauty contestant tripping on the runway and pretending the double somersault with a half twist that followed was all part of the talent competition.
Then there’s the pop fly. This has nothing to do with your dad. A pop fly simply means that you’ve hit the ball straight up into the air, and it has a very good chance of coming straight down into someone’s mitt . . . or her mouth, if she was napping and just happened to yawn at that moment.
In other words, it’s an easy out.
“Outta the park!” is the ultimate way to hit a baseball . . . unless, of course, it lands on the windshield of your principal’s car in the parking lot, in which case you might find yourself being chased by more than the opponent.
Play ball!
